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Ye'll Nivver Find a Souter Doun in Hell

from The Barren Fig (2019) by Bob Leslie

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about

An old Scots saying, “As black as the Earl o Hell’s waistcoat” – usually referring to a moonless night – got me thinking about the rest of Satan's wardrobe. His footwear had an obvious problematic element! "Souter” is the Scots word for “shoemaker”.

lyrics

Ye’ll Nivver Find a Souter Doun in Hell

Oh, the Earl o’ Hell’s guid weskit,
it’s derker than his hert
An’ it’s studdit wi the souls o’ those wha’ve sinned
His sark is rid as Hellfire
an his trews are velvet smert
Bit his feet they gang unhapt wi socks or shin

Fir they’re cloven like a goat’s,
split richt up the seam
An there’s nae infernal cobbler tae be fund
Wha cin mak a perr o’ brogues
that wid ease them whan he walks
Oan the burnin, jaggit stanes o’ his hame grund.

Fir … aa the honest souters that gang shewin aa the world
Are faur tae busy wi their clientele
Tae booze or hoor their lives awaa,
as tae their lasts they’re thirlt
Sae ye’ll nivver find a souter doun in Hell

Noo wee Mattie wis complainin that
he nivver goat a rest
As he toilt awa’ fae dawnin tae the dusk
He remarkt, “Oh, whit Ah widnae gie
if only Ah wir blest
Wi gowd enough tae free me fae this task.”

In an instant his wee shoapie
wis fillt wi’ fire an smoke
As an eldritch figure steppt oot o the blaze
Asbestos-bottomed Oxford shoes,
Beelzebub bespoke
“Size 65, wide-fittin, if ye please.”

They priggit ower the price required
fir Matt tae mak the shin
An finally they cam tae an accord
Confirmt by contract, signt in blood,
upoan a virgin’s skin
Which Mattie thocht wis takkin things too faur

Penalties fir late completion
wir o the standard kind
Fir example, if there wir a week’s delay
Then aa the hounds o Hell wid eat
his liver an his lights
“Ah’m hard bit fair,” he heard auld Satan say.

Bit whaur tae find a hide sae big an
strong enough tae thole
Fire an brimstone an the torments doun below?
D’y’ ivver mind o yon stuffed elephant
they kept in Kelvingrove?
An wondert whaur that pachyderm did go?

Weel, it made twa lovely uppers
fir the Devil’s dancin gear
Matt reinforced the toecaps wi the tusks
Sae Auld Nick hid horns upoan his feet
as weel as next his ears
An he professed himself as pleased as Punch

Noo Mattie goes oan cruises,
an drives a vintage Rolls
An he’s boat a mansion up oan Hyndland Hill
Tho’ he struck a deal wi Satan,
an selt him baith his soles
Ye’ll still nivver find a souter doun in Hell.

credits

from The Barren Fig (2019), released February 20, 2019

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Bob Leslie Glasgow, UK

Bob Leslie's music is now available on a "NAME YOUR OWN PRICE" basis!
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“I can think of no other songwriter who has mined this rich vein
with such lyrical ease and with no mean ear for melody. ”
Alan Reid, Battlefield Band ... more

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